Up, Up, And Away!

As I sit here thinking, at 1:15 am no less, all I can think about is how things are unraveling at the seams. I love Kevin. That's the only thing I'm sure about anymore. The one and only thing. I promised him I wouldn't kill myself. I didn't promise him that I wouldn't hurt myself. As I drove home from the movies tonight all I could think about was those razors. I know the smart thing to do would be to throw them out, but I can't bring myself to do it. I do realize that if something doesn't change soon I am going to take the razors and cut. I mean, today has been a relatively good day. My fiance comes home on Monday. I get to start sleeping next to him again. I get to hug and kiss and touch him all I want. But then I went to go see Up. And for a supposed funny kids movie, it was a very very depressing story.

I need the help and support of loved ones. I need Kevin soon, because I know that the cutting is going to happen. Probably much sooner then even I realize.

Have I mentioned I really do love my fiance?

And The Sun Shines Down on Us!

Good news!

Kevin is getting out for sure on Monday! I can't believe it. Thank god. Thank you. I've been crying on and off since I found out. I've needed him home so badly because I needed to fall apart. And now that he's coming home I'm so... thankful. To a higher power that is. I'm not one to relieve believe in god. I believe there is a higher power. And it pulled a miracle for me. I get to really and truly be with him. I'm exhausted now.

Even The Mad Hatter Wasn't THAT Mad...

Ok, so to preface this, the girl Katelyn mention in the last post? Complete bitch just jerking me around. I shouldn't have even started to doubt him.

I thought you'd all enjoy seeing what Kevin looks like.

He's still stuck up at UMDNJ, and I am completely and utterly falling apart. I'm trying to play strong for him, but it's not working out so well. I lost another baby. It's killing me. I've never felt the urge to cut as much as I do right at this moment. Hell, I've never felt the urge to kill my self so strongly before. I could do it too. The Razors from the night that he hurt himself in the beginning of the month are still sitting in the center consul of my truck. Just make sure it's deep enough on the first stroke. I could bleed out fairly easily... But... I made him a promise. I told him I wouldn't fall apart until he got out and he could take care of me. But he was supposed to be out on Tuesday. It's 1:23 am on Thursday and he's still there. Still so fucking far away. I just need his help right now. I need him to come home. My health isn't 100% and neither is my mental health. I feel like I'm very slowly falling to pieces on the floor. I need him to hold me and kiss me and yes, I even need to feel him inside of me. Even if it is TMI. I love him. Truly, completely, utterly. I look into his eyes and I get lost in their depths. There's a lot of hurt and sadness in those eyes. They make my heart melt.

I finally called up t-mobile to get them to send me a new phone now that mine has become all wonky. I should get that shortly. And the best part is that they aren't charging me to replace the faulty one. Thank god.

Have I mentioned gas is getting expensive again? $2.23 per gallon is not easy when you drive a ford explorer and are running back and forth daily to the hospital to see your fiance.

I'm so physically and mentally exhausted.

I've been listening to this taylor swift song that I think is absolutely infectious.

Our Heads Just Might Explode One Day...

I don't understand it. I trust him, I love him, I give him everything he wants or needs and... I find out he's cheating. How does that work out??? I have his phone cause he's in the hospital right now. I'm at work and his phone starts ringing. I pull it out to see it's his "friend" Katelyn, but can't answer cause I'm working. She sends a text message immediately after saying hey.

I reply back with: Hi. I'm sorry, but kevin is in the hospital and they won't let him have his phone... I'm his fiance. Do you want me to let him know that you called?

I get back: hi is he ok and i did not kno he had a fiance

I reply: He is ok for the most part. And yea. We're planning for sometime this week depending on when he gets out. He didn't tell you?

I eventually get a reply asking me to pick up the phone. Apparently it's Katelyn's friend calling to tell me that Katelyn has been dating Kevin for six months. I blew a hole through that considering he only got out of prison in mid-to-late January. And the fact I've been spending so much fucking time with him.

But I mean... I trust him... But he's cheated on me in the past. And he met her through an ad he placed on craigslist. But I've also seen him write and e-mail telling her that he had a girlfriend. And his facebook says that he's engaged to me for christ's sake and she's his friend on facebook. I just don't know what to think right now.

Life Goes Round Like A Merry Go Round...

Sorry I haven't updated. My birthday sucked, work sucks, my love life doesn't technically suck, my boyfriend is in the hospital, oh! AND! the eb popo stole my phone.

Kev's Grandmother made me cry not once but three times on my birthday.

I got my passes suspended at work because the drawer for box office was $25.75 short, but! I wasn't the only person who used that drawer. Two other cashiers and both managers used it.

Kevin. God. Thursday was a mess. Someone called the cops on Kevin saying he was suicidal, because he had been trying to cross route 18 drunk and he fell... They showed up while I was with him. He had a bunch of bebe guns. They took the bebe guns, searched my car, my purse, me. Stole my phone. Took him to Robert Wood Johnson and wouldn't let me go in the ambulance with him. I had to find my own way there and when I got there they wouldn't let me see or talk to him. He was scared and drunk and confused and they wouldn't let me in there to calm him down.

Yesterday was hobbit's graduation. I'm proud of her.

They transferred Kevin to UMDNJ and gave him the option of signing in or being committed. So he signed himself in. Which is good. I got to see him for 2 hours. I needed more time though. He gave me a great big hug when I got there and wouldn't let me go. It was good to hold him and tell him I loved him.

The Long Night From Hell...

On Saturday, I worked from 2-11. It was a long day, one of the floor crew members got fired. I was tired but happy that I was going to see my boyfriend... And that is where the trouble starts. My boyfriend was drinking. He cut himself, deep enough that he could have bled out. I spent the night by his side in the er room with him. Awake all night long. He wasn't discharged til 9:30 sunday morning. We got breakfast, I dropped him off went home and showered and then went back to his house and we slept til 3:30. After we got up, I went to work from 4-12:15. I went back to his house and we slept for like an hour more before I got up and headed home. I have never been so worried about anyone as I was about him.

Who Am I?

I am...
Jessica.
21 years and 351 days old.
A Photographer.
A Lover.
I'm everything they want me to be, but not.
This is my take on my life as I try to bring it under control. Come along for the ride if you want.