When You See My Face Hope It Gives You Hell...

I am so absolutely fucked.

Due to state budget cuts, I no longer have a second job over the summer. I cried when I found out. I can't do this. I was counting on having that job this summer and getting myself out of debt. And when I was crying on the phone about it to kevin, he told me that I could work at burger king with him. But I mean fuck. Even if I get another minimum wage part time job, that's not gonna touch what I could have made at the school this Summer. $7.15 at 25 hours a week =/= $10 at 40 hours a week...

I am so so so so FUCKED.

This probably means no Myrtle Beach, SC, no trips to virginia, no camera, no working phone that's not crap, more debt. :(

I really need a miracle right now.

And This Is Where Self Mutilation Comes In...

I'm sitting in my living room right now, I spent last night with Kevin. UMDNJ let him go about 1ish yesterday afternoon. I also got my replacement phone in the mail from T-Mobile. And I am so so so not doing well at all.

I waited until he got out to fall apart.

And, I fell apart. And last night I really wanted to kill myself. So while we were laying down in the truck, I pulled the razor from the center consul, and used a lighter to sterilize it. And started dragging it across my arm... Kevin begged me not to do it, but I kept on. I have eight cuts on one arm and probably more then that on the other, which is still bandaged up. I felt relief... Until I saw what I had done to Kevin. He was distressed, and rightly so, but he said the thing that worried him most was the look on my face as I was doing it. I was smiling, insanely.

As of this morning, my arms hurt, and I feel like the stupidest person in the fucking world. Here I am, telling Kevin that he can't have any alcohol and then I do shit like that in front of him. He took me inside and bandaged me up. All the while I could see the pain on his face... And as of this morning, I have never felt sorrier for anything I've done in my life then that. And now I have to deal with the repercussions of what I've done. I've hurt someone who cares more about me and my well being then about their own. He was still sort of mad at me this morning when we woke up. But I guess I gotta give him more then three hours to get over what I did.

Kevin went to his outpatient program, and I came back here. We pulled the bandages off of one arm before he left. The other arm is still covered. My arms hurt and sting like hell.