Red Is For Remembrance...

Dear Blog,
I have not forgotten you dear blog. I've had so much on my plate these last few months what with working over at that big red k, which apparently I'm not supposed to be talking about online? And also working at the theater which is just mass amounts of annoying.

Pumpkin

Be right back, there is an adorkable kitty trying to play with me. Back. Now here is a picture of said adorkable kitty:

Isn't she adorable? Sorry for the glowy eye, I couldn't get her to stay still and I needed flash.

As far as the rest of my life goes aside from slave-driving jobs and asshole customers? Well, it's going. Life is going on, but I sorta feel like it's passing me by since I never have time for anything. So here is my promise to you dear readers for my goals for November:

• Attempt NaNoWriMo
• Go to the gym. I'm paying for it, might as well do it.
• Take at least 15 pictures with my DSLR.
• Get back into blogging. Seriously.
• Just take one day and go somewhere alone to sort through all my emotions and thoughts.
• Remind the boy why he's so special to me.
• Not have any injuries.

Those, my dear readers, are my goals for November.

A Not So Pretty Tale...

I couldn't have been more wrong about... Everything. And I truly do mean that.

It's taken me a while to figure out how this post would go; and work has helped by keeping me extremely busy. They moved him from the county jail into, kind of a halfway place, without giving him notice, without telling his lawyer, they just moved him. Which, by the way, New Jersey, really, really pissed everyone off. They gave him his sentencing. They gave him the maximum time that they could possibly do. Two years and three days. Those words are still echoing in my head and every time they bounce around, my heart hurts a little more, my eyes well up a little. But there is a tiny bit of hope, that is, if my lovely boyfriend can keep himself out of trouble, he is eligible for parole in October of this year. Hopefully. But then again, I've been wrong about everything else so far.

I don't think that I can make it two years. And for those of you thinking that it is because I don't love him enough, that's not true. I have put up with far more then any other person could begin to imagine. Why? Because I love this boy. I know the label on him, and I know people will forever think that he is scum, but I don't. I know the true measure of this man, his kindness, his devotion, his love.

He doesn't want me to leave him. He says he needs me, and I know that to be more then true. The only people that care about him are his grandmother and I. His father doesn't even realize that he's in jail, his mother won't accept his calls. But can I really wait two years in pain from being away from someone that I love so desperately?

This is all I've seen of my other half in over two weeks now. It breaks my heart knowing how sad he is in this picture and that I can't do anything to help him. I just wish I could hug him and let him know everything will be alright.

No Contact

Well, found out what happened... but I won't have contact with him for a while.

Is This How It Feels To Have A Broken Heart?

I can't do this.

Right now, I am so ready to just cry and let it all out. I mean, I don't even really know what's going on and why he hasn't tried calling. But... I just want to scream and cry and curl up in a fetal position. My heart feels like it's being torn into pieces. I have never experienced heart break this bad before, not even with Joey. I feel like I won't survive until the end of this. It just hurts that bad.

I talked to him on Thursday. I was driving to go get Hibachi with Chrissy. He tried calling all day Friday, but it was while I was working and I couldn't answer the phone. Saturday, nothing. Sunday, Nothing. I've called his grandmother and she's as worried as I am. Why Hasn't He Called Me?

It's not like I can call him back. It's not like I can talk to him anytime I want to. I cherish the 15 minute phone calls. I look forward to them as much as I look forward to the 20 minute video visits. Oh god, this hurts so much. I've gone through so much for him and he hasn't called me. Is he mad? Does he hurt as much as I do? Does it feel like someone is in his chest tearing his heart to shreds?

Is this how it feels to have a broken heart?

Old Shoes...

There comes a time when everyone at some point or another reaches a turning point. A Roadblock, if you will, that keeps them from going straight but gives them the option of taking the left or right paths. I have found myself at one of these roadblocks quite recently.

I realized that my job is kind of like your old, dirty, falling-to-pieces shoe. You know the ones that I'm talking about. The kind that you just can't seem to throw away because they're just so damn comfortable. And as I watch my friends move on, I question myself about my place in this company. In May, I'll have been there for three years. Dealing with the same rude customers day in and day out. There are so many customer suck stories that I could share with you just from that job. In the almost three years I've been there, I have only been given a raise once. I am currently making a whole $7.60; thirty-five cents more then most everyone there, except a select few. My hours have pretty much been butchered since I picked up a second job; I am making as much now in a month as I was when I was only working the theater, and the point of me picking up a second job was so that I would make more per month.

And so my dilemma comes down to do I keep the dirty, old, falling-to-pieces, comfortable shoes, or should I let them go? Do I take out the trash and find myself a new pair of comfortable shoes? Do I take the right path or the left since I can obviously not continue on straight?

Just some food for thought.