Now, Really?

How many of you have read this article?

Matthew White downloaded what he thought was a girls gone wild video, but turned out to be child pornography. He deleted it right away, but for the simple accident that he downloaded the wrong thing, he now faces up to twenty years in jail. His public defender has advised him to plead guilty in hopes of lowering the possible sentence to three and a half years in prison, ten years probation, and he must REGISTER as a Sex Offender. Basically, this kid's future is ruined. He's twenty-two years old and has to go to jail for an accident. And even if the jail time isn't what ruins his life, the sex offender label is what will.

Thoughts? Positions? Arguments?

I Haven't Forgotten About You Dear Blog...

I have had such a roller coaster ride the last few months. I got a second job at Kmart and it's killing me. Or it was til they cut my hours at the theater. Really? Two days this week?

Anyway, I was supposed to have off from both jobs today but I got called in to learn/work layaway today since final pick up is on the 4th.

TMI ahead!

Things with Kevin are going well. Our sex life is... Well, almost non-existent. I really wish it wasn't, but there's nothing I can do as it's his medication that is doing this to him. But at the same time I have needs too. I miss sex. I miss mind-blowing sex with him. I just dunno what to do and it's definitely a sore subject with him.

End TMI.

Other then working not much has been going on. I hope everyone is doing well.

Job Insecurities...

Ok, so let's face it. I'm a college drop out. I work a dead-end part-time job, but at least I was making ends meet. I pay my bills, and usually have nothing left over, but the bills are paid. I've been searching for another job for awhile now. And have come up with niente.

There comes a time when businesses are forced to close, because of the way the economy has been. And really, the economy hasn't effected me too much as I was still getting hours and enough money to pay those annoying bills that are like clockwork, coming every month. And so I grew cocky; I figured that I'd always have the hours I was being given. Last night, I was given what felt like a good one-two punch to the gut. The theater was cutting hours, massively, and no one is safe from it. And while the theater is not closing it's doors for good, it is going to be closed for a good portion of time when it would normally be open for business. You see, the big heads have formed a brain child. That instead of each movie having four or five showings per day during the week(Monday-Thursday), that the theater would instead go down to two showings per movie per day. The theater would be open for an hour where all the movies would be going in, roughly around one-thirty in the afternoon, and then close until seven-thirty when all the movies would again be going in. You see, the figure that instead of having eight to ten people an hour that way they'll combine it and labor will cost them less. And as for the employees, well shifts would be cut down to two and a half hours.

There also comes a time when people get too comfortable in their jobs, thinking that it'll all be alright. Unfortunately, it is around that point that these people get a kick in the ass. That's exactly what happened here. I've been with the theater for two years and three and a half months. I grew comfortable. Yes, it isn't fun to have no extra money, but really what kind of jobs await a twenty-two year old college drop out? That was my line of thinking. I slacked off on my search and I continued to think that the economy would never touch me. As of earlier in the afternoon today, I took back up that job search, because if there was one thing I needed? It was a good kick in the ass, to show me that it's not alright to just barely be making ends meet. That, while yes, I am a college drop out, there is hope for me to find a rewarding career somewhere. Somewhere that is not a movie theater where teenagers should be working, not someone my age. A kick in the ass to grow up. And while I think that the next few months are going to be the hardest I've ever had financially, I think that in the end, everything is going to be alright. I'm setting my sights a little higher. And my day seems just a little brighter then just a few hours ago. Wish me luck as I take this journey.

And while I am entirely upset about this decision on the theater's part and mad that they don't care enough about their employees to give us notice of such a cut in hours, I am also, quite ironically, thankful.

Oh... God.

What do you say to a close friend when they tell you that they're dying? Do you tell them that everything will be ok, even though you both know that's not true? Do you try to convince them that they'll make it through somehow, even though they've had four heart attacks and two seizures? How do you, yourself, cope with it and not let them see how upset you are?

These are questions I'm asking myself right now. Questions that I can't even begin to answer, but somehow I must.

A good friend of mine told me that in August of 2008, she was told she had a few years left if she took care of herself. She is twenty-two years old and has been fighting cancer since she was four.

How do I respond to her telling me that. How do I tell her how much she meant to me, as my best friend in college, without sounding all doom and gloom. How do I tell her I want to spend more time with her, especially when I know, I know, she's not due to be coming back from Korea for another year?

I've lost so many good friends and family to cancer. And every time it makes it harder. I don't want to lose one of my only true friends to this terrible disease... She doesn't deserve to suffer like that.

An Update on Life, You Say?

Well, lets see. Work, Friends, Life, Nieces and Nephew, Sister, Kevin.

Work has been absolute hell. Last week I worked 43 hours(most of which were last Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday). This week they cut them but I don't really feel like working at all. I'm still so exhausted.

I miss my friends. Haven't really spent as much time with them as I should. Have to greatly postpone the myrtle beach trip. I don't even know how I'm paying my bills next month. But I did get to hang with hobbit and Chrissy today. Chrissy and I watched the Half-Blood Prince cause she got sent home early and then we stayed until Hobbit got off and we ended up going to Hobbit's to watch Harry Potter and the sorcerer's stone. We got to play with Hobbit's guinea pig. It's adorable.

I've been just very stressed lately. Part of that has to do with the fact that I have no camera and thus no creative outlet for things. I've been reading a lot more recently. Which is good. Makes me feel good. I'm thinking it's definitely time for a hair cut. Mine has gotten so long it gets tangled so easily.

Nieces and Nephew. I miss those kids. Shame my mother has to take rich to court in order for us to see them, but all I can say now is that he'll rue the day he told my mother that "it's not in the best interest of the kids" to see her. Fuck Him. It's not like he's even a real dad to them, no. He pawns them off on his mother to take care of them.

Loretta. Is working for a carnival. She has gone completely AWOL. Her counselor says she's bipolar. But I've seen bipolar, lived with it. She's so far from bipolar it makes me wonder where the counselor got a degree from. When Loretta was a teen, she was diagnosed with split-personalities. Which fits her better. Either that or schizophrenia. But anyway, she's abandoned her kids and is working for a carnival. How wonderful. Not. I have a few choice words I want to say to her. Luckily, I don't have to wait long. Apparently Her carnival is doing the monmouth county fair. I am going to say what I have to say and then cut her out of my life. She is no sister of mine if she leaves her kids like that.

Kevin. Hm. Been going to a lot of aa meetings with him, though I'm not sure they've been working. He got fired from his job. I love him. Even if we've been fighting like cats and dogs recently.

When You See My Face Hope It Gives You Hell...

I am so absolutely fucked.

Due to state budget cuts, I no longer have a second job over the summer. I cried when I found out. I can't do this. I was counting on having that job this summer and getting myself out of debt. And when I was crying on the phone about it to kevin, he told me that I could work at burger king with him. But I mean fuck. Even if I get another minimum wage part time job, that's not gonna touch what I could have made at the school this Summer. $7.15 at 25 hours a week =/= $10 at 40 hours a week...

I am so so so so FUCKED.

This probably means no Myrtle Beach, SC, no trips to virginia, no camera, no working phone that's not crap, more debt. :(

I really need a miracle right now.

And This Is Where Self Mutilation Comes In...

I'm sitting in my living room right now, I spent last night with Kevin. UMDNJ let him go about 1ish yesterday afternoon. I also got my replacement phone in the mail from T-Mobile. And I am so so so not doing well at all.

I waited until he got out to fall apart.

And, I fell apart. And last night I really wanted to kill myself. So while we were laying down in the truck, I pulled the razor from the center consul, and used a lighter to sterilize it. And started dragging it across my arm... Kevin begged me not to do it, but I kept on. I have eight cuts on one arm and probably more then that on the other, which is still bandaged up. I felt relief... Until I saw what I had done to Kevin. He was distressed, and rightly so, but he said the thing that worried him most was the look on my face as I was doing it. I was smiling, insanely.

As of this morning, my arms hurt, and I feel like the stupidest person in the fucking world. Here I am, telling Kevin that he can't have any alcohol and then I do shit like that in front of him. He took me inside and bandaged me up. All the while I could see the pain on his face... And as of this morning, I have never felt sorrier for anything I've done in my life then that. And now I have to deal with the repercussions of what I've done. I've hurt someone who cares more about me and my well being then about their own. He was still sort of mad at me this morning when we woke up. But I guess I gotta give him more then three hours to get over what I did.

Kevin went to his outpatient program, and I came back here. We pulled the bandages off of one arm before he left. The other arm is still covered. My arms hurt and sting like hell.

Up, Up, And Away!

As I sit here thinking, at 1:15 am no less, all I can think about is how things are unraveling at the seams. I love Kevin. That's the only thing I'm sure about anymore. The one and only thing. I promised him I wouldn't kill myself. I didn't promise him that I wouldn't hurt myself. As I drove home from the movies tonight all I could think about was those razors. I know the smart thing to do would be to throw them out, but I can't bring myself to do it. I do realize that if something doesn't change soon I am going to take the razors and cut. I mean, today has been a relatively good day. My fiance comes home on Monday. I get to start sleeping next to him again. I get to hug and kiss and touch him all I want. But then I went to go see Up. And for a supposed funny kids movie, it was a very very depressing story.

I need the help and support of loved ones. I need Kevin soon, because I know that the cutting is going to happen. Probably much sooner then even I realize.

Have I mentioned I really do love my fiance?

And The Sun Shines Down on Us!

Good news!

Kevin is getting out for sure on Monday! I can't believe it. Thank god. Thank you. I've been crying on and off since I found out. I've needed him home so badly because I needed to fall apart. And now that he's coming home I'm so... thankful. To a higher power that is. I'm not one to relieve believe in god. I believe there is a higher power. And it pulled a miracle for me. I get to really and truly be with him. I'm exhausted now.

Even The Mad Hatter Wasn't THAT Mad...

Ok, so to preface this, the girl Katelyn mention in the last post? Complete bitch just jerking me around. I shouldn't have even started to doubt him.

I thought you'd all enjoy seeing what Kevin looks like.

He's still stuck up at UMDNJ, and I am completely and utterly falling apart. I'm trying to play strong for him, but it's not working out so well. I lost another baby. It's killing me. I've never felt the urge to cut as much as I do right at this moment. Hell, I've never felt the urge to kill my self so strongly before. I could do it too. The Razors from the night that he hurt himself in the beginning of the month are still sitting in the center consul of my truck. Just make sure it's deep enough on the first stroke. I could bleed out fairly easily... But... I made him a promise. I told him I wouldn't fall apart until he got out and he could take care of me. But he was supposed to be out on Tuesday. It's 1:23 am on Thursday and he's still there. Still so fucking far away. I just need his help right now. I need him to come home. My health isn't 100% and neither is my mental health. I feel like I'm very slowly falling to pieces on the floor. I need him to hold me and kiss me and yes, I even need to feel him inside of me. Even if it is TMI. I love him. Truly, completely, utterly. I look into his eyes and I get lost in their depths. There's a lot of hurt and sadness in those eyes. They make my heart melt.

I finally called up t-mobile to get them to send me a new phone now that mine has become all wonky. I should get that shortly. And the best part is that they aren't charging me to replace the faulty one. Thank god.

Have I mentioned gas is getting expensive again? $2.23 per gallon is not easy when you drive a ford explorer and are running back and forth daily to the hospital to see your fiance.

I'm so physically and mentally exhausted.

I've been listening to this taylor swift song that I think is absolutely infectious.

Our Heads Just Might Explode One Day...

I don't understand it. I trust him, I love him, I give him everything he wants or needs and... I find out he's cheating. How does that work out??? I have his phone cause he's in the hospital right now. I'm at work and his phone starts ringing. I pull it out to see it's his "friend" Katelyn, but can't answer cause I'm working. She sends a text message immediately after saying hey.

I reply back with: Hi. I'm sorry, but kevin is in the hospital and they won't let him have his phone... I'm his fiance. Do you want me to let him know that you called?

I get back: hi is he ok and i did not kno he had a fiance

I reply: He is ok for the most part. And yea. We're planning for sometime this week depending on when he gets out. He didn't tell you?

I eventually get a reply asking me to pick up the phone. Apparently it's Katelyn's friend calling to tell me that Katelyn has been dating Kevin for six months. I blew a hole through that considering he only got out of prison in mid-to-late January. And the fact I've been spending so much fucking time with him.

But I mean... I trust him... But he's cheated on me in the past. And he met her through an ad he placed on craigslist. But I've also seen him write and e-mail telling her that he had a girlfriend. And his facebook says that he's engaged to me for christ's sake and she's his friend on facebook. I just don't know what to think right now.

Life Goes Round Like A Merry Go Round...

Sorry I haven't updated. My birthday sucked, work sucks, my love life doesn't technically suck, my boyfriend is in the hospital, oh! AND! the eb popo stole my phone.

Kev's Grandmother made me cry not once but three times on my birthday.

I got my passes suspended at work because the drawer for box office was $25.75 short, but! I wasn't the only person who used that drawer. Two other cashiers and both managers used it.

Kevin. God. Thursday was a mess. Someone called the cops on Kevin saying he was suicidal, because he had been trying to cross route 18 drunk and he fell... They showed up while I was with him. He had a bunch of bebe guns. They took the bebe guns, searched my car, my purse, me. Stole my phone. Took him to Robert Wood Johnson and wouldn't let me go in the ambulance with him. I had to find my own way there and when I got there they wouldn't let me see or talk to him. He was scared and drunk and confused and they wouldn't let me in there to calm him down.

Yesterday was hobbit's graduation. I'm proud of her.

They transferred Kevin to UMDNJ and gave him the option of signing in or being committed. So he signed himself in. Which is good. I got to see him for 2 hours. I needed more time though. He gave me a great big hug when I got there and wouldn't let me go. It was good to hold him and tell him I loved him.

The Long Night From Hell...

On Saturday, I worked from 2-11. It was a long day, one of the floor crew members got fired. I was tired but happy that I was going to see my boyfriend... And that is where the trouble starts. My boyfriend was drinking. He cut himself, deep enough that he could have bled out. I spent the night by his side in the er room with him. Awake all night long. He wasn't discharged til 9:30 sunday morning. We got breakfast, I dropped him off went home and showered and then went back to his house and we slept til 3:30. After we got up, I went to work from 4-12:15. I went back to his house and we slept for like an hour more before I got up and headed home. I have never been so worried about anyone as I was about him.

Who Am I?

I am...
Jessica.
21 years and 351 days old.
A Photographer.
A Lover.
I'm everything they want me to be, but not.
This is my take on my life as I try to bring it under control. Come along for the ride if you want.